Where we are

I hadn't cried since Christmas until this IVF went south.  I hate being sad and depressed.  I try really hard not to be sad.  We have stayed busy since returning home from CO and that helped.  Today, I'm at home trying to work, but mostly I'm just thinking about what happened and how to proceed.  I've thought about calling it quits and going the DE route so I can begin the life I always wanted with my husband.  I emailed the DE, Adoption Resolve group so that I can gather resources.  I've also thought about missing out on the opportunity to have a child genetically linked to me and my husband.  I always hoped our child would have his curly hair, my brown eyes, his smarts and my temperament.

I do love going through IVF with my husband.  He is so helpful and we work together as a team.  Outside of IVF, we migrate toward the things we are most interested in.  I'm a girly girl and he is all boy so our interests don't usually include each other.  Our big main shared interest is our home.   

I'm kinda scared of our regroup with Dr. S.  I'm mad that we had a shitty cycle and he wanted to proceed and that we got nothing in the end.  It doesn't matter where you go, you must stay on top of your cycle and ask many questions.  I was never worried about ovulating, so I didn't think much when I say a little blood, my breasts were tender and my ovaries where achy.  Combined with my high LH I should have been concerned.  This will never happen to me again because If I see the signs, I will ask for a ultrasound before ER.  My husband is hopeful they will help us out financially with our next cycle, I don't think they will.  We signed the consents!  This is all really just a crap shoot - a gamble.  We gambled at the best and lost.

I hope I am not making anyone less excited about going to CCRM.  I still believe they are the best and people should go to them immediately.    

Ovulation before ER

I never got my regroup.  My dh and I sent questions through to the nurse and Dr. S answered them.  He assured us that we would get at least 4 fertilized eggs.  We made plans to do the polar body testing if we got 3 or more.  I was haoping for 6...

My LH began to rise on Tuesday and the nurse instructed me to take another Cetrotide, I did.  Cetrotide prevents ovulation.  We triggered with HCG at 12:15 pm and again with Lupron at 1:15 and again the next day with Lupron. 

We arrived on Thursday at CCRM for ER.  My ovaries were achy, but I was feeling hopeful.  Dr. M was was our ER Doc.  After waking up from anesthesia, I learned that I ovulated before they could get to my eggs.  We had nothing!  I couldn't believe what I was hearing - nothing...  Dr. S came up and just explained that these things happen and that he could perform an IUI.  I am at a small risk for an ectopic because my left fallopian tube opens a little slower than my right.  All the eggs were on the left.  I think I ovulated on Tuesday so the IUI just isn't going to work - no hope there.   

I am disappointed that we did not receive a call the next day from the surgery center, nurse or doctor to check on us.  I decided to call my nurse at 4:00 pm to see if she had any additional answers and to see if we could schedule a regroup.  As I was calling, CCRM calls and asks us why we were not at our 1:00 Dr. S regroup?!  My DH and I did not know we were signed up for a regroup?  We bought our ticket to fly home the day after the ER on trigger day. 

We are scheduled for a regroup on Tuesday.  I called my nurse just to see if we could get some answers and she said that this just happens.  They were never concerned over my LH levels.  She said that this situation is talked about in the CCRM consents we signed.  We later found it.  I've just never had this problem.  I asked her if this counted as an ER and against my insurance and it does. 

We are still processing everything.  I wonder if this is GOD just telling me to hang it up and stop trying. 

in Limbo

I tried to schedule a regroup, but Dr. S isn't available until Monday afternoon.  I go in tomorrow for bw/us and I could very well cancel myself.  It so hard to know what to do?  My dh arrives tomorrow. 

My disappointment is knowing my body can do better than this, not being able to do the genetic testing and if we cancel I will want to give my body a 3 month break and that prolongs our journey.  My dh is fine moving forward and paying out of pocket for another try in 3/4 months. 

I've attacked my fertility with such gusto over the last several years and I guess I'm winding down.  I'm tired.  More than ever I want to put this all in God's hands and hope.  Problem is, I've never been further away from my faith. 

On Again

Schoolcraft does not want to cancel my cycle.  He feels like he can get 4 fertilized eggs.  I've had a larger quantity of eggs and ended up with 4 ferts so that would be the same.  I was hoping to get more eggs, better quality here.  I just don't know what to do.  I went ahead and took my shots last night.  I think I'm going to try and get a regroup with Dr. S today. 

Never a dull moment. 

Cancelled

I had my monitoring at CCRM today and they found a 15mm dominant follicle.. They also discovered 3 small paraovarian cysts on my left ovary.  I have a paraovarian cyst on my left ovary that I've known about.  I have 5 other follicles ranging from 6 to 8mm.  Things are not looking good and I think we are going to cancel the cycle.  This is our last IVF cycle covered by insurance so we want to make it a good one.  Plus, I really think my body can do better than this.

I need to flush out all these drugs and give my body a rest and then we try again.  I'm wondering what protocol Dr. Schoolcraft will put me on.  Will he prescribe the estrogen priming using the vivelle dots and ganirelex - at least with that protocol I had 7/9 follicles and no dominant.

I don't know if I'm still processing all this or what?  I haven't cried and I'm not angry about my situation.  I just hope this isn't God's way of telling me to move on because your body will not make a baby.  I feel like you have to have so much patience.  My husband and I are ready to be a mom and a dad.  I hope our baby finds us soon.

On a positive note, CCRM is really amazing.  The ultrasound machines and nursing staff is just great.  You feel like you are in good hands with them.

I'm going to CO

The nurse called and my estrogen is 180.  She said it most likely dipped and now my Estrogen is on its way back up.  I look forward to what they see on Thursday.  They are keeping my medication the same.   

I wondered in the beginning if they would even take me on as a patient.  People scared me into thinking maybe I shouldn't even try because CCRM cherry picks their patients.  I am a bad responder with a low AMH and they are letting me have a chance.

In so many ways I've put CO on a pedestal and I just wonder how I'll feel after all is done?  Most people are happy with their experience even if it hasn't led them to their baby.   

I went home at lunch and finally started packing.  I had things loosely ready, and now must of my stuff is packed.  I still need to pack work stuff and my medication. 

I should have started earlier - I've been very scatter brained.  I walked out of the house with a see through silk undershirt.  I only got as far as the driveway when I remembered...  I tried to warm up food in the toaster oven with the door left open...   

I'm kinda excited!!!!

1st Monitoring

I went in this morning and they placed me in a room with very old ultrasound equipment...  The tech found 7 follicles and (2) 7s being the largest...

I don't know what to make of it because I was on the old machine and I'm on this new protocol.  The tech thought I was at baseline because my endo was 3.67 and the small follicles she found.

I really need to try to go to bed earlier.  I was sooo emotional last night and feel fine this morning.  I feel myself getting snappy around 8:30 pm.  I asked the nurse if I could continue taking melatonin and she said no.  I love the sleep I get from melatonin.

I'm still not sure if I'm leaving with such small everything?    

Going on an IVF vacation

I'm getting ready for my IVF vacation.  I haven't packed yet, because I've been too frightened it will jinx me and I'll be postponed a month.  I'm trying to tie up loose ends around work, but I don't know if I'll be here for that meeting on Friday or at a monitoring appointment in CO. 

I'm not stressed really, I find humor in my situation.  And, as always, feeling very fortunate that I have this opportunity to cycle with the best.

My next monitoring appointment is scheduled for tomorrow am.  I'm going to listen to my circle and bloom mediation CDs and do a little yoga tonight to keep anxiety at bay.  I'm definitely climbing the coaster!  Weeeeeeee     

I'm Day 1 / 2

I'm not really sure where I am in my cycle, but my nurse went ahead and had me go in for my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound.  I felt very hormonal and tired yesterday afternoon.  I finally had "full flow" at 4:30 pm    

I arrived this morning without orders from my nurse so luckily because I'm a fixture in their office, they let me move forward without the paperwork. 

For those of you having your initial bw/us at another clinic, don't make the same mistake I did and not ask for your orders to be sent to you via email the day before your appointment. 

Baseline Ultrasound
Endometrium 6.97

Measured follicles on both ovaries: 7

The largest follicle they read was a 9.  I had 3 follicles reading at 12mm during my baseline ultrasound from a previous IVF.

The good news is I didn't have a dominant follicle or a cyst.  The bad news is I had 9 resting follicles last time and this time I only had 7. 

My Estrogen was high at 177.  You want it at 60 or below.  Mine is high because I've been taking 2mg of estrogen daily.  I will stop taking estrogen today and will get my body ready to begin stimming tomorrow.

not yet

Well - I'm still waiting.  I'm having heavy spotting, but again, not what I would consider "full flow".  I HOPE things get started today before 5pm.  I went ahead and scheduled a bw/us appointment for tomorrow.

My Bs are no longer sore.  The soreness must have been cause from the progesterone my body already makes.  I slept really well last night.  These usually occur after my . has started.  Although, I am having some lower back aches which happens before my .

waiting...waiting...waiting...

Always waiting...     

Game on - I think

I think things are starting...  I started spotting a little last night and this morning a little heavier, but still not full flow yet.  Full flow is what most clinics consider Day 1.  Spotting doesn't count.  This is Day 28 for me.  My nurse informed me that I might start my period early while taking estrace.  If today is indeed Day 1, this will be just one day earlier than my normal period start date.   

I'm really hoping this is the beginning.  The timing would be really great.  Its amazing how on hold your life is when going through this.  I've been able to get most of my work obligations taken care of.  Food is ordered for DH while I'm out of town.  I ordered Dinner by Design meals.  All the shopping and chopping are taken care of and he just has to take the food from the freezer to the stove - wha - la!  He has a habit of consuming too much pizza when I'm away so I am hoping this is helpful.  I've started collecting the clothing and toiletries I'll need while I'm there.  I hope my body cooperates with my readiness!

EEEEE!!!!

DE meeting and Pregnancy news

Sunday was eventful.

We had our meeting with the counselor to make sure we were OK to be DE parents.  I think we passed!  It was a very basic meeting.  The one thing we touched on and have not made a decision about is whether or not to tell.  Everyone has their reasons for telling or not telling.  I'm leaning towards not telling anyone in our family before the baby is born.  I want them to fall in love with their family member and then if, and when the time is right, tell the child first and then tell family.  I think a decision on when to tell will be hugely based on the child's personality and when the time feels right. 

I come into this situation with baggage.  I'm adopted and I would often over hear family members talk about how I wasn't "really a family member" because my Dad adopted me.  Kids have radar ears...  I survived, but it did make me feel less like a "real" part of the family.  I always felt like I was an outsider.  I never felt like I had "real parents".  I should disclose that my mother was my "real" mother and she is not in anyway nurturing or loving.  I never felt this way with my half-siblings who I consider my siblings.  I don't look anything like them, but we are very close.  Our family situation is messy.

On the family front, my sister announced she is expecting.  This will be her second child.  She is a wonderful mom.  Getting pregnant and staying pregnant in our family is not easy so I consider this a blessing.    

One more week before suppresion

I've got one more week to go until my expected suppression check. 

I take the 2 estrogen tablets at night before bed.  The last three days my Bs have been very sore and I'm very tired at night.  I'm guessing its estrogen related. 

I'm still going to acupuncture.  I'm trying to get in 2/3 more sessions in before I go.  My acupuncturist hooks me up to machine that sends electricity to needles in my back.  It does not hurt.  It feels like a thumping sensation.  We hope after 5/6 sessions my blood flow will increase.

I'm also trying to exercise every day.  I walk for at least 30 minutes or I'll do a little yoga.  Its very cold outside so I sit at my desk all day.  I need the exercises.       

Change

I'm sitting in my home during a blizzard.  Its nice because everything gets quiet including my mind and I begin thinking - Oh my God - my life is going to change...

In one month time I will be closer to knowing if I can bear a genetically linked child.  There is so much riding on the eggs I've been cooking for the last three months.  Did you know it takes three months for your little eggs to get ready to surface to the top and grow for an IVF cycle?  This is so huge!  I can only hope for a maximum of 9.  I can hope 4 will fertilize with CCRM labs.  They say usually half are normal - 2.  This is a perfect scenario.  We all know there is nothing perfect about IVF.   

I wonder if I'm a little crazy some days because all I think about is infertility.  I think about my upcoming cycle.  I think about all the woman out there who do not have insurance.  Most of the treatments we receive are experimental because everybody reacts differently to the drugs they prescribe.  I think most doctors do their best to find the right cocktail for your situation and hope it works.  I think about the women who suffer in silence.  I was one of them and I'm so glad I'm climbing slowly out of my cave.

I don't think I know how much change is in store for me?