Still waiting...

I guess it's now taking up to 6 weeks.  It took just under 4 weeks last time.  I was really fine up until the 4th week.  I was so on edge all week.  I just want to know.  If I was brave enough to just push to blast we would have results and I might even be pregnant by now...

I wait.   

I have 3

I am so bad.  I did not blog the whole time I was there.  My cycle was looking so good, then it was looking just ok. 

They retrieved 6, 4 fertilized and 3 are frozen.  This cycle might have been just as good as the one I converted into an IUI.  I knew I would end up with 3 because I had two follicle that were 22 and one that was a 13 or something.  We did polar body testing. 

I asked to do co-culture because I wondered if it might do my eggs good and I knew that I wouldn't be pushed to blast.  The embryologist didn't think it made much of a difference in the growth and quality of my eggs.  He thought my eggs looked really good - none of that really matters because it's what inside that counts.  I will find out the results in late August.

I've been crazy tired since returning.  I had a dream this week that I was 20 weeks pregnant with a boy.  I love having baby dreams! 

I hope my dream comes true.   

 

still moving along

I am still taking all the priming meds - almost finished.  Next week I will go in for baseline - looking for no cyst and no dominant.  The testosterone started kicking in the 3rd week.  My nails become crazy strong again and I become a little feisty.  I started having vivid dreams once I strarted prometrium.  I would not consider myself creative, but boy, my dreams are the kind you could build the plot of a movie or good book.  My acu feels heat which is new, but it is summer?  I wonder how others feel on this protocol. 

I'm way more calm this time about everything and I don't know why?  I don't know if its the season.  I'm generally more happy and carefree in the summer months.  I am not a winter person.  The grey days make me grey...

I also wonder if its the introduction of the APA.  This makes everything more uncertain. 

Back Again

We learned we lost a normal girl. 

HCG went down to 0 in 6 weeks this time.  Last time it took three months!  Yea!

My period this time was 3 weeks late.  Last time I had normal periods and ovulation before my HCG was 0.  I think I might have had a cyst. 

So right now I'm back and on estrace and T-gel.  No side effects.  I received my protocol sheet and it read cycle #4.  How crazy is it that I've had 3 cycles with CCRM?!!  I doubt I'm their typical patient. 

History:
Ovulated through the 1st cycle - no eggs.  2nd cycle - get eggs - ET 1 tested embryo -get pregnant - Miscarriage.  3rd cycle - three follicles - convert locally to IUI - pregnant - Miscarriage.

I wonder how this cycle will play out?  

WoW

Wow -I was a mess the other day.  I'm so surprised blogger didn't make me take down my last post because of the profanity.  Thank you for reading and not thinking any less of me.  I am way more emotional this time around.

This miscarriage is different.  I didn't really spot last time and I am this time.  I feel foggy during the day, my stomach isn't right, headaches and fatigue at night.  I'm hoping these are good things and my body is working hard to get rid of the HCG.  I go in this week to make sure we got everything and I'm going to ask for a standing order to check my beta. 

I found out CCRM is now offering frozen donor eggs.  I am not at all interested in a fresh cycle so I am happy to have another option.  Now I just need to stop having miscarriages and take care of my ute so we can use this option.   

 

The Classic IF Stuck Moment

We've all see it before the classic IF moment...

I wake up and think about how relatively good I feel considering...  I pick up my Iphone and read an email from a Resolve graduate.  She was sweetly checking in and wanted me to know that her 5 month old twins are doing great.

I pause and think - 5 months + 9 months - WHAT THE FUCK. 
Where has the time gone?

Oh my God, I have to wait another 5 more months before we even get to ER
Why did I move forward with that IUI

I'm so fucking stupid

WHY WHY WHY do I keep making mistakes

I'm so tired of feeling left behind.  I am the last one in my Resolve group - I've gone through so many cycles of women.

I really dislike this person I've become.  I can't wait until all the pregnancy hormones are out of me - maybe I'll like that person a little better. 

Oh but wait, I don't get to be that person for very long because I get to go back on the juice.

I'm so thankful that my husband is appearing to be our rock, because I've lost it!  

I'm so glad I have blogger.  I really needed to vent and my peeps around me are so sick of hearing it!!!

Have I a story for you

I stopped posting because the impossible happened after our cancelled cycle - I got pregnant.  My numbers were the best yet.  We found out about the blood clotting disorder and then we learned I was pregnant.  I ran around completing extra blood draws so they could create the IVIg for me.  They started me on Lovenox after seeing the implantation site at 4 weeks.  I didn't even know they could find it so early...

I was in disbelief.

The IVIg was so easy.  A home health nurse came to my house and hooked me up to the IV with a shoulder fanny pack and began the 4 hour long process.  She checked my vitals every once in a while.  We shopped through magazines.

We went in for our 5W US and found the fetal pole and sac.  Everything looked good. 

I was in disbelief and did not want to share my news with anyone for fear I would jinx the whole thing. 

We went in for our 6w US and the embryo measured 2 days behind no heartbeat.  I continued having pregnancy symptoms.   

We went in for our 7w US and there was no growth and no heartbeat.  I continued having pregnancy symptoms. 

We had a D & C a few days ago. 

The doctor performed the D & C in her office with guided ultrasound to be sure she captured the products of conception.  She sent off the embryo for genetic testing.  We will find out the news within two weeks.   

We are thinking bad genes, but who knows?  I feel like I did everything I could do to ensure a healthy baby. 

Now we wait until my stupid HCG goes down. 

My DH wants to go back to CCRM.  I'm ok going back, but I want to change doctors.  Dr. Sch is great, but he is popular and busy.  Has anyone ever changed?  I wonder if it will make any difference? 

I think I'm still in disbelief.