Don't be Afraid

Friday, I learned that I have two things in my right breast that need to be looked at.  Today, I got a call explaining the "things" they found are calcium deposits.  They've asked me to come back in to have a magnification radiography mammo.  I'm sure everything will be fine...

Saturday, I went to a baby shower.  I never wanted to be "that person" who stops going to BB showers, but I have to say it was hard to be my happy friendly self.  I was the only one in the room who did not have children.  The fun included a candy game that describes the different phases of having a baby.  To win, you select candy that best describe the phrase.  Clever game!  As all the mommies relived their pregnancy and childbirth experiences I felt more and more sad.  The next game was even better, I diapered a bear's arm and leg blindfolded.  Everyone laughed.  I'm sure if I had some practice I would've been better.  Overall, I felt very out of place.  These feelings of isolation will end soon I hope.    

Halloween was more difficult to watch than I thought it would be.  Seeing kids dressed up and moms and dads walking the streets with other moms and dads made me feel so sad.  It looked like everyone knew each other.  I didn't know a single person who knocked on my door.  I presume these people live nearby?  Again, I felt very isolated.    

Sunday night I began my bible study reading and answering my homework questions for small group.  The lesson focused on faith.  As a Christian, a believer in God I should have faith.  The passage talked about not being afraid and having faith.  Demonstrate your belief in God by not being afraid.  God will take care of me if I believe.   

I am afraid of not holding a child that I created with DH.  I am afraid of never having the opportunity to parent our child.  I am afraid of never being a member of a community.  I need to stop being afraid.  My faith has decreased to a level that makes me sad and at times bitter.  I believe God does not want us to feel this way and that is why he gives us a path to take which includes faith.  Everything in my life has eventually worked out for the best.  I need to believe and have faith.      

Wish me Luck!