Maya Abdominal Massage

I had a maya abdominal massage this morning.  I decided to get one after learning my uterus is tilted and this type of massage can help. 

I learned that my uterus tilts forward a bit and doesn't have much movement.  You want your uterus to move slightly from one fallopian tube to the other.  The space above my stomach is tight as well.  She said everything feels frozen...  Stress and sadness can cause this.  I know I have both.  She gave me some massage techniques I can do daily at home.  I'm going to try to get in at least one more session in before CCRM. 

I hope to find out today if CCRM is going to be an option for us this month.  I really hope we can get in.  On the other hand, I've never been more stressed out because of work and I'm sure that will have an impact on my success.

Best Christmas

I was blessed with a wonderful Christmas!  We spent Christmas day with my husband's side of the family.  I was not looking forward to the day at all.  Last year was horrible.  I had a kind of sadness wash over me that I had never experienced before.  I went into the bathroom several times to cry.  This year I kept waiting for mr. sadness to knock on my door, but he never came!

It helped that my dh showered me with gifts!

Blood Serum Drop-off

I had my day 2 blood serum taken on Friday and this morning I put everything together to mail off to CO. 

I arrived at the Fed Ex place that accepts "bio hazard material" and the sleepy fed ex woman asked me what's inside the box?  I let her know it was blood serum for IVF in CO.  She perked up and asked me if I'm watching Gulianna and Bill.  We chatted a moment about the show.  She had lots of questions and wished me luck with my cycle.

I'm so glad Gulianna and Bill are telling their story and people are watching and have a better understanding of what we go through! 

 

First DE Dr. Visit

We met with our previous RE today to go over the possibility of DE.  We are still progressing with CCRM with my own eggs, but I want a plan if this doesn't work.  I want to be a mom, my DH and I want to start a family. 

I woke up very early this morning nervous that the Dr. would see right through me and know that I'm having a hard time with this decision.  Luckily, the meeting went well and I even came out of it with a few new resources to look at.

 

 

What am I looking for

I get online often throughout the day looking...  

searching.....

for answers     for hope

I need for someone to tell me not to worry

I had an AMH level of .6 and got pregnant

I want to be pregnant

I want to move on and learn about the amazing things that happen to your body during pregnancy

I want to hold my newborn baby that has a few of my traits and my husband's traits and know that we created the perfect baby for us

I want to hold and love this baby and be the best mother

Will this be the year?  Will next year be the year?  When will my patience end?

Good news

I received good news last week that I do not need to obtain a biopsy - yeah!  Now I wait for a . so I can submit Day 2/3 bloodwork and hope everything is normal.  I'm looking forward to a calendar and starting Phase 2. 

I haven't told work yet that I'm going to need the time off.  My boss is weird and I'm not looking forward to letting her know that I will be out for one, maybe two weeks.  I don't want to alert her because there is a chance that I might not pass the suppression check and she will make a big deal out of the time I've requested.  I came "out of the closet" with work last January and received the green light to move forward with my job and IVF.  I continued travel and IVF cycles.  I was crazy going forward with the cycles and the shooting up hotel rooms and Starbucks bathrooms and just keeping everything straight.  I'm glad to have a little less craziness in my life for this next cycle.  The one that really matters.   

I also think I've put life into perspective.  A job is a job is a job.  I love my job, but it is a job.  No one will care about the work I've put in after I'm gone.  I've accomplished more that I thought was ever possible professionally.  I never set out to be a professional.  I wanted to go to college to become a teacher so that I could work and take care of myself and a child should something bad happen to my marriage - like divorce.       

I had one friend announce her CCRM twin pregnancy news and one Reslove friend announce she is pregnant with one.  Both traveled down long hard roads, but in the end they are preggers.  Both are in their early 30s.  At this point I can't even imagine what it must feel like to actually know that you are going to have a baby. 

Thoughts of the Day

I saw the breast surgeon and he had two radiologists look at the images and they do not advise a biopsy, but it will be up to Dr. S.  I'm fine either way - I just want to get it over with. 

I requested a few additional reports from my previous clinic and while I was on the phone I went ahead and scheduled a meeting with Dr. R to discuss DE. 

Our first Dr. brought up DE and I just wasn't ready to hear it.  I don't know that I'm any closer to knowing that it is the right path for me, but I know that I can't continue down my current path.  It's hard to give up my genetic link.  At least our child would know their Dad and would be blood related to the family we live near.  I guess in some way its good that my AMH is low and I've been told my eggs are bad because I might continue trying if I had unexplained IF.  

My life has been tough.  Absolutely nothing has come easy or without some hardship.  When I was younger I hoped that my life would be "normal".  I would get married and have children and I would work hard to be the mother I never had.  I know that if I get a chance to be a mom to a genetic baby or DE baby I will love it the same.  I love children - always have...             

   

Birthday Party for a 1-year old

I'm just returning from a 1-year old Birthday Party and I am reminded of how beautiful little babies are and why I want so badly to be a mom.  I bonded with a woman in Junior League who like me, is not originally from here.  I watched her oldest as her youngest was brought into the world a year ago because she does not have family who live close by.  It is these milestones that remind me of the length of my own journey.  All the babies were so cute.  I love the giggles, their chubby little arms and legs, how they communicate with their eyes.     

What will tomorrow bring?

My nurse from my OB/GYN office called today and my pap and cultures are all negative!  My visit with a breast surgeon is tomorrow.  I just really hope I'm ok and he clears me.  I'm at the top of the roller coaster and I just want to come down for a bit.  My last whoo ha is the Day 3 blood draw.  In a perfect world I would have all my testing and results in before Thanksgiving.  The month of December I could pretend that I am 30 and have just recently married and will begin trying again sometime in 2011! 

Pause

I went to the breast center for my second mammogram to see if my calcifications are benign on Thursday.  The nurse promised I would have an opportunity to talk to the radiologist before I leave.  The tech came in after the mammo and told me the calcifications were benign, but I needed to come back in 6 months for a follow-up mammo and the radiologist would not have time to see me. 

I let her know that I was receiving care for IVF and I needed to talk to the radiologist because I have several questions.  Most important - are the calcifications estrogen receptive and would she/he sign off on IVF in January.  The tech walked out of the room clearly looking put out.  She returned and told me the calcifications were probably benign and that the radiologist did not suggest getting pregnant.  Tears immediately started streaming down my face and I began thinking I was in for a 6 month wait..

I let the tech know that I wasn't leaving until I saw the radiologist.  She told me I needed to get dressed and move out into the waiting area because she had other patients who needed access to the room.  I never cried after the ectopic or bad news from the doc, so I'm not sure why I started crying.  I never saw the radiologist, but a very nice nurse came over to me after I had been sitting in the waiting room for over an hour.  She walked me into a back room after learning I needed to talk to a radiologist because I am an infertility patient.  She took me into the back room and shared with me a nice story about her sister and her battle with infertility.

This is such a long story, but in the end, I talked to CCRM and my acupuncturist and they both said I would need to ask for a biopsy.   

I'm so glad we decided to go to CCRM for the ODWU before my insurance kicks in.  Hopefully, we will be ready to get things started in January.  I'm trying hard not to be afraid!!! 

Don't be Afraid

Friday, I learned that I have two things in my right breast that need to be looked at.  Today, I got a call explaining the "things" they found are calcium deposits.  They've asked me to come back in to have a magnification radiography mammo.  I'm sure everything will be fine...

Saturday, I went to a baby shower.  I never wanted to be "that person" who stops going to BB showers, but I have to say it was hard to be my happy friendly self.  I was the only one in the room who did not have children.  The fun included a candy game that describes the different phases of having a baby.  To win, you select candy that best describe the phrase.  Clever game!  As all the mommies relived their pregnancy and childbirth experiences I felt more and more sad.  The next game was even better, I diapered a bear's arm and leg blindfolded.  Everyone laughed.  I'm sure if I had some practice I would've been better.  Overall, I felt very out of place.  These feelings of isolation will end soon I hope.    

Halloween was more difficult to watch than I thought it would be.  Seeing kids dressed up and moms and dads walking the streets with other moms and dads made me feel so sad.  It looked like everyone knew each other.  I didn't know a single person who knocked on my door.  I presume these people live nearby?  Again, I felt very isolated.    

Sunday night I began my bible study reading and answering my homework questions for small group.  The lesson focused on faith.  As a Christian, a believer in God I should have faith.  The passage talked about not being afraid and having faith.  Demonstrate your belief in God by not being afraid.  God will take care of me if I believe.   

I am afraid of not holding a child that I created with DH.  I am afraid of never having the opportunity to parent our child.  I am afraid of never being a member of a community.  I need to stop being afraid.  My faith has decreased to a level that makes me sad and at times bitter.  I believe God does not want us to feel this way and that is why he gives us a path to take which includes faith.  Everything in my life has eventually worked out for the best.  I need to believe and have faith.      

Wish me Luck!

Mammogram

I finished my mammogram yesterday.  The examination was a little weird.  I hope everything comes back ok.  If my test came back positive, I would conquer breast cancer.  I could look at the positive - new breasts!  Mine are petite.  I would never go out and get them on my own, but if I had to get new breasts I would be ok.  My DH would most likely love it.  What I couldn't handle is another set back.

I get my test results back in two days. 

Clomid and Day 2/3 Blood Draw

I think Clomid really messed me up!!!!
In September, I went in for a Day 3 monitoring blood draw after a failed IUI and learned that my lining was 8.6, Estrogen was 345 and I had two ripe follicles over 20mm so they had me trigger and BD.  I had also stopped bleeding by Day 3 - not normal.
My nurse and I laughed that I looked better on Day 3 than when we triggered the month before and had an insemination. 

Mid- September I had a short cycle and normal flow

Just recently, my cycle was 33 days long and my period ended after just two days.

I collected my Day 2 blood/serum, but I don't think I should send it in to CCRM.  Who knows what my hormones look like!!  I guess I'm going to have to collect again in November!

For anyone planning to do this, please know that some offices may make you wait until they separate the serum and freeze it.  It took my office a few hours to complete this. I had work appointments the day I gave my blood sample and could not wait until they processed and froze my serum so I had to ask my IF friend to pick up my bio hazard material.  I also learned that you need to find a Fed Ex place that will accept bio hazard material. 

I'm so scared to send the serum and learn that my FSH has increased dramatically since my last draw where it was 6.8. 




  

Results

The results are beginning to come in and I'm very bummed about my 0.6 AMH level.  This number is consistent with what I've experienced during IVF.  My nurse said I can expect 6-8 follicles.  I started googling to see if women get pregnant with a low AMH.  Some people do get pg- most don't.  

I think about the alternatives - egg donation or embryo donation.  I also think about how this may not be an option if my arcurate uterus is preventing implantation and our little guy can't get nutrients.  My sister has a bicornate uterus and she got pregnant and carried the baby almost full term, but I think it was luck.  The doctors were amazed she got pregnant to begin with and never thought she would give birth vaginally - she did!  

I'm going to need a miracle.  I am a believer, but I wish my faith was stronger.  God and Dr. Schoolcraft are going to have to team up together one this one.  So what do I do in the meantime? I was given a long list of supplements that I began taking yesterday.  You have to run a Chem 22 first before you begin taking the supplements to make sure your liver can handle all that I will be taking.  If you are   I was surprised to see that DHEA was not on my list.  See list below:       

Once a Day

• Melatonin  3mg at bedtime
• Omega-3 fatty acid  500mg once a day 
• Vitamin C 500mg once a day (Take in am)
• Vitamin E 200IU once a day 
• Pycnogenol 100mg once a day

Twice a Day

• Myo Inostol   2gm twice a day 
• L-arginine 1000mg twice a day 

Three Times a Day

•  Co Enzyme q10  200mg three times a day 

2. Stop with start of stimulation medications.

All of this is to help me feel like I have some control in my outcome.  I'll continue acupuncture, no alcohol and eating well.  I should also think about yoga.   

The Past

I decided to write out my past to get a better handle on the future.  This entry will be a work in progress. 


My husband and I started trying to conceive after our one-year wedding anniversary.  I always thought I might have problems because my mother and sister had fertility issues.  

After one year of trying and no success, we were referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  She recommended IUI.  We got pregnant, but they were not able to see the sac and decided to give me methotrexate to stop a potential ectopic. 

During our 3 month wait after the methotrexate was administered, I had my fallopian tubes tested (Hysterosalpingogram/HSG) to make sure they were both open.  During this time, my insurance company dropped my RE, so I had to change insurance providers in order to keep her, but I lost my gynecologist because she was no longer in my plan...  My new gynecologist performed the HSG and it now showed both tubes closed.  I was crushed to think that we could never have a child naturally.  Our RE said the procedure was performed incorrectly and the die was inserted too quickly into the tubes which caused them to spasm.  My Gyne did not agree and would not perform the test again and my insurance would not allow the my RE to perform the HSG so we moved forward with IVF.    
IVF
I started taking birth control pills to get my body ready for an IVF cycle.  On Day 3 of your period, you go in to the clinic so they can draw blood to check your FSH, Estrogen, LH and perform a vaginal ultrasound to make sure you do not have a cyst, your lining is thin and you do not have a dominant follicle.  After I was cleared to go, they started me on Follistim and Menopur.  After three days on meds, you come in for monitoring.  They check to make sure your follicles are growing uniformally and your lining is beginning to build.  My body did not respond to the drugs at all.  After increasing Follistim to 600 units and several monitoring appointments later - my cycle was cancelled because I did not have at least 3 follicles.  I was crushed.  


The good - my DH learned how to mix drugs and give me shots. 


After a few early cancellations due to a dominant follicle, my RE finally found a protocol I responded to.  Most often these protocols are a crap shoot.  I was happy to be their guinea pig.  I so badly want to be a mom.  At egg retrieval they extracted 6 follicles - 4 were good and one was empty.  The next day, the embryologist called and we learned that only one made it and they wanted to do a 3 day transfer.  I was crushed.  My body appeared to be performing as though it were 40+ years old. 

After learning the cycle failed, we came in for a consult and my RE informed me she thought I was going into menopause and I would never produce more than 6 follicles.  She said my eggs are dark, fragmented and difficult to penetrate.  She suggested I consider donor egg, but would treat me with my own eggs if I wanted to try again.    

I thought I might have trouble, but this was more than I expected.  I began reading everything I could on poor responders and learned that some women develop a lead follicle that tells all the rest to stop growing.  I also heard about DHEA, a supplement that helped a colleague of mine go on to have twins.  Both ideas were discounted by the RE.  I began wondering if maybe I needed a second opinion.  


After several months of bad care, not having a plan for next steps and no hope I decided to see another Dr. within the same office.  This was a little weird, but everyone assured me it was normal and lets be real - you never see the docs.  


To be continued...
      
IVF # 1 July '09
cancelled due to poor response
IVF August '09
No BC - cancelled due to dominant follicle
IVF September '09
Stims: 600 Follistim and 2 Menopur powders
6 follicles viewed ER: 4 and 1 was empty - found to be dark and fragmented ET: 1 day 3
BFN

IVF #2 October '09
Lupron 600 Follistim and 2 Menopur
cancelled -dominant follicle

Changed ER and added 75mg of DHEA daily

IVF February '10
Saizen protocol, follistim, menopur, dexamethasone, baby asprin and folic acid
E1515 Prior to trigger - 14 follicles ER: 7 eggs retrieved - 4 fertilized ET: Day 3 (1) 8 cell; (1) 6 cell no frag or darkness Beta: 22 P: 8.6
Chemical pregnancy BFN

IVF #3 May '10
same protocol
5/10 begin stims - prior to trigger E 2274 - 10 follicles measuring 15+, 5/20 ER: 7 eggs retrieved
5/21 (4) were matures and were ICSEd and (2) fertilized 5/23 ET Beta: 3 BFN

ODWU

We landed in CO on Tuesday night.  We stayed at the Starwood Elements Hotel.  We were given a room with a basic kitchen without a stove.  I would stay there again.  There are shops and restaurants nearby. 

Our Day:
7:30 IVF Orientation

8:30 New Patient Consult with Schoolcraft - I have age issues that are preventing me from getting pregnant.  We will look to see if I have any genetically normal embryos.  If I do, we will do two retrievals.  We want to store as many embryo as possible so we can try for a sibling.  We have an embryo on ice.  He wasn't sure how it would handle unfreezing to test and refreeze?  I'm not leaning toward testing.  I think I would like to include the embryo in a transfer.  He does not want us to go forward with any additional IUIs with injectables because he sees women build a resistance to the drugs.  I'm disappointed because the IUIs keep me hopeful during the upcoming holidays...

9:00 Semen Analysis and Antibody Testing and Chromatin Assay

9:30 Ultrasound and Doppler - learned that I have good blood flow on one side and the other is just slightly compromised.  They are suggesting acupuncture and no caffeine.  I also saw my arcuate uterus.  It looked much more arcuate than I thought.  My resting follicle number was 9.

10:00 Nurse - IVF Consult - my nurse is Heidi.  She is nice and knowledgeable.  We reviewed the protocol Schoolcraft may put me on. 
 
11:00 Hysteroscopy - Dr. Schoolcraft confirmed the arcuate uterus and said that it measuring in the grey zone.  The decision to do surgery to correct it is up to me.  He strongly recommends doing the surgery himself.  The only drawback from surgery is the development of scar tissue. 
I wonder now if my arcurate uterus caused my pregnancies to be chemical - hmmm... 

11:30 Genetic Counselor - she reviewed our genetic testing options.  The cost to do PGS is $6,850!  I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to see if I am making normals.
I've never made enough embryos to chance a Day 5 transfer so I'm nervous that we will not produce enough to make it to Day 5 for testing.  The genetic counselor was very positive.  Based on their genetic study they have found that people who put back two genetically normal embryos have a 70% chance of taking home a baby.   

12:00 Chick-fil-A lunch!!!!!

12:30 Business Office to discuss what we will owe.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that their prices do not increase.

1:00 Work-up Labs - lots of blood drawn

1:30 FLC Consent review

Guests

I'm so relived my guests are headed home and I can say I had an amazing time with them.  My very good friend from Dallas is 16 weeks pregnant. Their first child was conceived instantly and this pregnancy took a little bit longer.  After seeing a RE and one round of treatment they are now preggers.  I want to be happy for my friends who are expecting.  I just never know how I am going to feel when I see their little belly or hear about the little one beginning to kick. 

On a positive note, as I get older, its nice to see people still having children.  Most of my friends have completed their family and are now just watching them grow.  I often feel so left behind.  I'm like the kid in PE who is picked last to play on the team only way worse.   

I'm sad for me and anyone else who has to go through this.  Infertility sucks!!!!   

  

Second Base

Dr. S listened and cleared us to visit CCRM for the One Day Work Up (ODWU).  It feels like we just passed first base and are headed to second next week!  He did recommended donor egg, but is willing to try a protocol for low responders and plans to have me begin supplements to help egg quality.

I've been looking at CCRM for many months and wondered if this was going to be our path.  I'm happy that I have the resources and the backing of my husband to travel for treatment.  My husband is on board 100% which takes off some pressure.  I know I really have to step it up with my diet, and begin taking supplements, and exercise more.  I always thought I would be excited about going, instead I feel cautious and exhausted. 

I'm so ready for all this to be over.  I just want to hold our little child in my arms and love on him/her.  I have to believe this can happen all the while protect my heart from being crushed if it doesn't work...     

The CCRM Interview

We secured an earlier initial consult with CCRM for today.  I requested an earlier consult because we would like to fly in from Chicago next week for the ODWU. I'm on Day 2/3 of my cycle today and they bring you in during days 5-12 for extensive testing to determine if you qualify into their program.

I've been told that I'm entering menopause and my chances for live birth is 10% by previous doctors so I fully expect Dr. S to tell me donor egg is our best path to parenthood.  I'm not ready to give up on my body just yet.  I want to give it one more try because I do believe this is all in Gods hands and I believe in miracles.  I guess I'm hoping Dr. S believes I'm a good candidate for a miracle.