Monday, November 29, 2010

Thoughts of the Day

I saw the breast surgeon and he had two radiologists look at the images and they do not advise a biopsy, but it will be up to Dr. S.  I'm fine either way - I just want to get it over with. 

I requested a few additional reports from my previous clinic and while I was on the phone I went ahead and scheduled a meeting with Dr. R to discuss DE. 

Our first Dr. brought up DE and I just wasn't ready to hear it.  I don't know that I'm any closer to knowing that it is the right path for me, but I know that I can't continue down my current path.  It's hard to give up my genetic link.  At least our child would know their Dad and would be blood related to the family we live near.  I guess in some way its good that my AMH is low and I've been told my eggs are bad because I might continue trying if I had unexplained IF.  

My life has been tough.  Absolutely nothing has come easy or without some hardship.  When I was younger I hoped that my life would be "normal".  I would get married and have children and I would work hard to be the mother I never had.  I know that if I get a chance to be a mom to a genetic baby or DE baby I will love it the same.  I love children - always have...             


Saturday, November 20, 2010

Birthday Party for a 1-year old

I'm just returning from a 1-year old Birthday Party and I am reminded of how beautiful little babies are and why I want so badly to be a mom.  I bonded with a woman in Junior League who like me, is not originally from here.  I watched her oldest as her youngest was brought into the world a year ago because she does not have family who live close by.  It is these milestones that remind me of the length of my own journey.  All the babies were so cute.  I love the giggles, their chubby little arms and legs, how they communicate with their eyes.     

Monday, November 15, 2010

What will tomorrow bring?

My nurse from my OB/GYN office called today and my pap and cultures are all negative!  My visit with a breast surgeon is tomorrow.  I just really hope I'm ok and he clears me.  I'm at the top of the roller coaster and I just want to come down for a bit.  My last whoo ha is the Day 3 blood draw.  In a perfect world I would have all my testing and results in before Thanksgiving.  The month of December I could pretend that I am 30 and have just recently married and will begin trying again sometime in 2011! 

Sunday, November 7, 2010


I went to the breast center for my second mammogram to see if my calcifications are benign on Thursday.  The nurse promised I would have an opportunity to talk to the radiologist before I leave.  The tech came in after the mammo and told me the calcifications were benign, but I needed to come back in 6 months for a follow-up mammo and the radiologist would not have time to see me. 

I let her know that I was receiving care for IVF and I needed to talk to the radiologist because I have several questions.  Most important - are the calcifications estrogen receptive and would she/he sign off on IVF in January.  The tech walked out of the room clearly looking put out.  She returned and told me the calcifications were probably benign and that the radiologist did not suggest getting pregnant.  Tears immediately started streaming down my face and I began thinking I was in for a 6 month wait..

I let the tech know that I wasn't leaving until I saw the radiologist.  She told me I needed to get dressed and move out into the waiting area because she had other patients who needed access to the room.  I never cried after the ectopic or bad news from the doc, so I'm not sure why I started crying.  I never saw the radiologist, but a very nice nurse came over to me after I had been sitting in the waiting room for over an hour.  She walked me into a back room after learning I needed to talk to a radiologist because I am an infertility patient.  She took me into the back room and shared with me a nice story about her sister and her battle with infertility.

This is such a long story, but in the end, I talked to CCRM and my acupuncturist and they both said I would need to ask for a biopsy.   

I'm so glad we decided to go to CCRM for the ODWU before my insurance kicks in.  Hopefully, we will be ready to get things started in January.  I'm trying hard not to be afraid!!! 

Monday, November 1, 2010

Don't be Afraid

Friday, I learned that I have two things in my right breast that need to be looked at.  Today, I got a call explaining the "things" they found are calcium deposits.  They've asked me to come back in to have a magnification radiography mammo.  I'm sure everything will be fine...

Saturday, I went to a baby shower.  I never wanted to be "that person" who stops going to BB showers, but I have to say it was hard to be my happy friendly self.  I was the only one in the room who did not have children.  The fun included a candy game that describes the different phases of having a baby.  To win, you select candy that best describe the phrase.  Clever game!  As all the mommies relived their pregnancy and childbirth experiences I felt more and more sad.  The next game was even better, I diapered a bear's arm and leg blindfolded.  Everyone laughed.  I'm sure if I had some practice I would've been better.  Overall, I felt very out of place.  These feelings of isolation will end soon I hope.    

Halloween was more difficult to watch than I thought it would be.  Seeing kids dressed up and moms and dads walking the streets with other moms and dads made me feel so sad.  It looked like everyone knew each other.  I didn't know a single person who knocked on my door.  I presume these people live nearby?  Again, I felt very isolated.    

Sunday night I began my bible study reading and answering my homework questions for small group.  The lesson focused on faith.  As a Christian, a believer in God I should have faith.  The passage talked about not being afraid and having faith.  Demonstrate your belief in God by not being afraid.  God will take care of me if I believe.   

I am afraid of not holding a child that I created with DH.  I am afraid of never having the opportunity to parent our child.  I am afraid of never being a member of a community.  I need to stop being afraid.  My faith has decreased to a level that makes me sad and at times bitter.  I believe God does not want us to feel this way and that is why he gives us a path to take which includes faith.  Everything in my life has eventually worked out for the best.  I need to believe and have faith.      

Wish me Luck!