Saturday, October 29, 2011

D & C vs Natural

Caution - this is a debbie downer and I hate to be the sad one.  I want to be happy.

I have a D & C scheduled for next week, but I think natural might be the better route for my body.  On the other hand, I'm ready to move on.  I have to redo all testing again before we can proceed with another ET.  I hope I pass the mammogram.  Last year was scary and I always wonder if everything is ok.  There are so many obstacles.

I still feel pregnant.  My breasts are sore, fatigue and a crazy sense of smell.  My body is hanging on to this pregnancy.  I am ready to let go.

I've been in treatment for over 3 years.  I really thought CCRM would be our answer and I would be pregnant before the holidays arrived.  I know I need to change my way of thinking and just hope that sometime between now and the next three years we will have a child.  I know that if you try long enough you will have a baby.    

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Same place

I had another ultrasound on Friday and our little one is still hanging on - 68 beats and no growth.  My gestational sac is growing appropriately.  I still have the same pregnancy symptoms. 

Everything is looking very bad, but they still want me to stay on meds.  They are releasing me to my OB so they can decide what to do with me.  Apparently, I have a unique pregnancy.  I want to stop pumping myself up with drugs.  I've thought about stopping.  I'm hoping to see my OB tomorrow to end all of this.  I think it's an ethical thing - I think the ultimate choice is up to me.  The Doc doesn't want to be responsible.  My CCRM nurse isn't sure now if I will have a natural miscarriage or a D & C.  Again, it will now be up to my OB.

I'm a little disappointed that we haven't heard from Dr. S.  I feel like he is leaving the tough choices up to me and my OB.  I hope I'll have a chance to talk to him at some point. 

Most of the time I'm ok.  8:00 pm is the bewitching hour.  I get very weepy and start going over all the things that I may have done to cause this...  I have a new empathy for anyone who has had a miscarriage.  I wonder if you are young woman have a different kind of experience?  Who knows?


Monday, October 17, 2011


We have to wait until next week to have another ultrasound.  They want me to stay on all meds because we have a heartbeat.  My nurse does not believe the baby will survive.  I'm also showing venus legs (bleed).  I'm still not bleeding or cramping. 

I want to stop the meds and move past the bad news, but I don't want to be the reason our baby's heart stops beating. 


Stopped growing

Just returned from our ultrasound.  Our little baby stopped growing and it's heartbeat has slowed down to 80 beats.   We both thought the heartbeat looked like it was beating faster.  She had me hold my breath.  Honestly, I don't think it matters because the baby isn't growing.  I'm not spotting and no cramps.  I am a little nervous about the miscarriage.

We have a few questions for Dr. S.  We put back a normal - what happened?  What are the suptations in my gestational sac.  I guess I'm in for more testing or should I have a D & C so they can maybe find out what is wrong with my sac?

I'm tired of bad news.  We want to live.  Time to go back to work... 

Monday, October 10, 2011

7 weeks 1 day or 6 weeks 1 day?

I had my ultrasound today and they found our baby with a heart rate of 95 and measuring 6 weeks 1 day - a week behind.  Surprisingly, my nurse was not worried.  We will have our next ultrasound next Monday to see if the baby is growing.  I did not think we would see anything.  I was already planning next steps.

Our nurse is worried that we have these suptations in the gestational sac.  I had the ultrasound tech point them out to me and my dh and they look like bright light streaks.  Dr. S doesn't know what causes them or what they mean? 

I feel pregnant.  My breasts woke me up the other night from soreness.  I'm tired and hungry.  It is amazing to think that I have a little life growing in my belly.  I hope our baby grows strong this week.

Thank you for following me and all your sweet thoughts.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Blighted Ovum???

Tuesday we went in for our ultrasound to SEE a heartbeat.  30 minutes before our appointment I passed a clot and started bleeding.  I called my CCRM nurse and she said it happens often, not to worry.  I called my friend who had the same thing happen to her and she calmed me down.

During the ultrasound we found the source of my bleeding - subchronic hematoma.  We asked several times if everything looked ok and the tech said development could swing forward and backward 3/4 days.  She did not see a heartbeat, but it could arrive later in the day.  She said everything was fine. 

We walked up to pay and the receptionist had tears in her eyes and said how sorry she was for us.  Jeff and I looked at each other like what the hell just happened?  My monitoring clinic wanted to take a blood draw.  I called my CCRM nurse to see if she wanted me to do anything else before we left and she was not available.  The person who answered the phone said we needed to get a Rhogam shot because I am O-.  My heart is now racing and I feel like people are not being straight with us about the state of the pregnancy.

Later, I get a call from one of the CCRM nurses.  She explained the purpose of the Rhogam shot.  She recalculated my days and let me know that today I'm actually 6w 1 day pregnant and that it could be too early to see a heartbeat.  My other CCRM nurse thought we were 6w 3 days pregnant.  

Later, I get another call and the CCRM nurse and I learned that my gestational sac was a little irregular.  This is not a good sign. 

The next day I called my regular CCRM nurse to find out that the tech said she could not clearly make out a yolk sac or fetal pole and that I had irregular subtations inside the gestational sac and the outside of the sac is usually smoother.  They have me going back on Monday, but all of this is not good. 

My nurse let me know that if my ultrasound is bad then I will stop all meds and get a period.  We will wait until my HCG drops to 0 and then we can begin again.   

I did some googling and learned that I have a blighted ovum.  Most attribute it to genetics or bad egg or sperm.  Our embryo was tested.  I blame myself because I think it might have happened when my progesterone became really low and we did not get to it for several days.

I don't know what to think and feel.  I have moments of tears.  We are both so tired of all of this.            

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Trouble commenting

I'm having trouble commenting, but following you and continue to wish you well!

Week 6

I woke up with a little surprise this morning on the 1st day of week 6 - blood.  Bright red blood the size of a quarter on my undies.  I put myself on bedrest and it stopped.  I'm now having light brown spotting.  I'm also having the same kind of cramping I felt around implantation.    I talked to the nurse and it can really go one of two ways.  I'm hoping my little guy is setting up his home.

Tuesday is the big ultrasound to see our little golden nugget and detect a heartbeat.  Tomorrow we will check my progesterone and estrogen.  It was all over the place last week.

The extra progesterone I'm taking makes me feel a little drugged like when I'm taking cold medicine. 

Overall, boobs are very sore, I'm extra tired and my sense of smell has increased. 

I'm trying to stay positive.  Wish me luck.