Sunday, August 26, 2012

Still waiting...

I guess it's now taking up to 6 weeks.  It took just under 4 weeks last time.  I was really fine up until the 4th week.  I was so on edge all week.  I just want to know.  If I was brave enough to just push to blast we would have results and I might even be pregnant by now...

I wait.   

Friday, August 3, 2012

I have 3

I am so bad.  I did not blog the whole time I was there.  My cycle was looking so good, then it was looking just ok. 

They retrieved 6, 4 fertilized and 3 are frozen.  This cycle might have been just as good as the one I converted into an IUI.  I knew I would end up with 3 because I had two follicle that were 22 and one that was a 13 or something.  We did polar body testing. 

I asked to do co-culture because I wondered if it might do my eggs good and I knew that I wouldn't be pushed to blast.  The embryologist didn't think it made much of a difference in the growth and quality of my eggs.  He thought my eggs looked really good - none of that really matters because it's what inside that counts.  I will find out the results in late August.

I've been crazy tired since returning.  I had a dream this week that I was 20 weeks pregnant with a boy.  I love having baby dreams! 

I hope my dream comes true.   


Thursday, July 5, 2012

still moving along

I am still taking all the priming meds - almost finished.  Next week I will go in for baseline - looking for no cyst and no dominant.  The testosterone started kicking in the 3rd week.  My nails become crazy strong again and I become a little feisty.  I started having vivid dreams once I strarted prometrium.  I would not consider myself creative, but boy, my dreams are the kind you could build the plot of a movie or good book.  My acu feels heat which is new, but it is summer?  I wonder how others feel on this protocol. 

I'm way more calm this time about everything and I don't know why?  I don't know if its the season.  I'm generally more happy and carefree in the summer months.  I am not a winter person.  The grey days make me grey...

I also wonder if its the introduction of the APA.  This makes everything more uncertain. 

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Back Again

We learned we lost a normal girl. 

HCG went down to 0 in 6 weeks this time.  Last time it took three months!  Yea!

My period this time was 3 weeks late.  Last time I had normal periods and ovulation before my HCG was 0.  I think I might have had a cyst. 

So right now I'm back and on estrace and T-gel.  No side effects.  I received my protocol sheet and it read cycle #4.  How crazy is it that I've had 3 cycles with CCRM?!!  I doubt I'm their typical patient. 

Ovulated through the 1st cycle - no eggs.  2nd cycle - get eggs - ET 1 tested embryo -get pregnant - Miscarriage.  3rd cycle - three follicles - convert locally to IUI - pregnant - Miscarriage.

I wonder how this cycle will play out?  

Monday, May 7, 2012


Wow -I was a mess the other day.  I'm so surprised blogger didn't make me take down my last post because of the profanity.  Thank you for reading and not thinking any less of me.  I am way more emotional this time around.

This miscarriage is different.  I didn't really spot last time and I am this time.  I feel foggy during the day, my stomach isn't right, headaches and fatigue at night.  I'm hoping these are good things and my body is working hard to get rid of the HCG.  I go in this week to make sure we got everything and I'm going to ask for a standing order to check my beta. 

I found out CCRM is now offering frozen donor eggs.  I am not at all interested in a fresh cycle so I am happy to have another option.  Now I just need to stop having miscarriages and take care of my ute so we can use this option.   


Friday, May 4, 2012

The Classic IF Stuck Moment

We've all see it before the classic IF moment...

I wake up and think about how relatively good I feel considering...  I pick up my Iphone and read an email from a Resolve graduate.  She was sweetly checking in and wanted me to know that her 5 month old twins are doing great.

I pause and think - 5 months + 9 months - WHAT THE FUCK. 
Where has the time gone?

Oh my God, I have to wait another 5 more months before we even get to ER
Why did I move forward with that IUI

I'm so fucking stupid

WHY WHY WHY do I keep making mistakes

I'm so tired of feeling left behind.  I am the last one in my Resolve group - I've gone through so many cycles of women.

I really dislike this person I've become.  I can't wait until all the pregnancy hormones are out of me - maybe I'll like that person a little better. 

Oh but wait, I don't get to be that person for very long because I get to go back on the juice.

I'm so thankful that my husband is appearing to be our rock, because I've lost it!  

I'm so glad I have blogger.  I really needed to vent and my peeps around me are so sick of hearing it!!!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Have I a story for you

I stopped posting because the impossible happened after our cancelled cycle - I got pregnant.  My numbers were the best yet.  We found out about the blood clotting disorder and then we learned I was pregnant.  I ran around completing extra blood draws so they could create the IVIg for me.  They started me on Lovenox after seeing the implantation site at 4 weeks.  I didn't even know they could find it so early...

I was in disbelief.

The IVIg was so easy.  A home health nurse came to my house and hooked me up to the IV with a shoulder fanny pack and began the 4 hour long process.  She checked my vitals every once in a while.  We shopped through magazines.

We went in for our 5W US and found the fetal pole and sac.  Everything looked good. 

I was in disbelief and did not want to share my news with anyone for fear I would jinx the whole thing. 

We went in for our 6w US and the embryo measured 2 days behind no heartbeat.  I continued having pregnancy symptoms.   

We went in for our 7w US and there was no growth and no heartbeat.  I continued having pregnancy symptoms. 

We had a D & C a few days ago. 

The doctor performed the D & C in her office with guided ultrasound to be sure she captured the products of conception.  She sent off the embryo for genetic testing.  We will find out the news within two weeks.   

We are thinking bad genes, but who knows?  I feel like I did everything I could do to ensure a healthy baby. 

Now we wait until my stupid HCG goes down. 

My DH wants to go back to CCRM.  I'm ok going back, but I want to change doctors.  Dr. Sch is great, but he is popular and busy.  Has anyone ever changed?  I wonder if it will make any difference? 

I think I'm still in disbelief.   

Friday, March 30, 2012


I don't feel like posting, but I should so I am.  We cancelled our last cycle at CCRM.  I had three dominant follicles.  We started off with 8 and ended up with 3 all equal size.  Three just didn't seem like it was enough.  This happened to us once before 3 years ago. 

I'm so spent. 

I go on testosterone again as soon as Day 3 arrives. 

I did receive interesting news from the Reproductive Immunologist.  I have a clotting disorder.  Ivig and Lovenox were prescribed.  There are so many little things that happened that support this finding.  I'm a little bummed I didn't go sooner - it might have saved my last pregnancy.  The Doc seems to think so. 

Friday, February 24, 2012


I went to see a reproductive immunologist.  I just wanted to check it off my list.  Funny thing is, just this week my DE doc asked to see all my blood results and suggested Folate and Lovenox.  It will be interesting to see what our new RI recommends.  I will find out and let you know.  It is amazing how every doctor has a different opinion. 

It will also be interesting to see what Dr. S thinks about this new information.  

Friday, February 17, 2012

I have my calendar again

I wish I could be more excited, but I am scared.  It has been several months since our last ER and I had another birthday.  I fear my response will be awful and we won't find any normals and will have wasted money.  It's crazy to think if I didn't have normals we would most likely be pregnant right now. 

I am also going to see a reproductive immunologist. I am scheduled to see Dr. Coulam. It was going to take two months to get into see Dr. Kwak-Kim so hopefully Dr. Coulam will do the trick. Really, I hope they find nothing, I just need to mark this off my list. 

I pulled the trigger on the SART data too soon- it is now updated.  CCRM rates are crazy good.  I am hoping that Dr. S can pull a few new tricks out of his bag. 


Thursday, January 26, 2012

New SART data is available

My favorite IVF website is - this is a great site to find the top IVF clinics.  I love the way they organize the site by age. 

I wish I had the information early in my journey.  I am more than confident I would have a baby today if I had been more informed.

Friday, January 20, 2012


I went in on Tuesday and I'm now at 5.  They will not allow me to cycle.  We are frustrated.   

Monday, January 16, 2012


I had the weirdest dream last night that I walked into the most beautiful church and everyone was praying for my empty womb.  I wondered how everyone knew right about my fertility problems right about that time I woke up - really weird.  I hope it means that someone is praying for me.

I go in tomorrow to find out my HCG.  Pray it's below 5.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

still waiting

I wonder if I looked back how many posts would title "still waiting"...

They ran my HCG on Monday and it is 7.  I need it below 5.  They wanted me to wait out this cycle and cycle in March!  I kinda freaked out and now they are allowing me retest on Monday.

Lordy, this is taking forever.  I'm living proof that it can take forever for your numbers to go down.  I need to remind myself of how lucky I am that I do not have retained tissue.  Having another D & C would have been just terrible.  I feel for anyone having to go down that road.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

On Schedule

Well at least something is...  My period started right on schedule.  I'm going in on Monday to check my HCG and hopefully we are below 5 so I can begin peeing on sticks next weekend.

I'm starting to get a little nervous.  It's a long time since we last had a egg retrieval.  I'm hoping I still have some in me that are good.

Our last ER was what 6 months ago which is a lifetime in the life of an infertile gal. 

Monday, January 2, 2012


I'm postponed.  I went in last Wednesday for the HCG and it came back 10.  I went in again this weekend and it was 11.  I'm trying not to be nervous about it not going down.  I had to go to a hospital to have it run on Saturday.  I'm still kinda nervous about retained tissue.    

I went to a New Years party and did not have a sip of alcohol because I didn't know if I would be starting the next day.  The hospital never sent the results to CCRM.   I asked 3 different people on Saturday to make sure CCRM received my results.  I had to drive back to the clinic on Sunday to get the results.  They would not give them to me over the phone and I couldn't trust they would send them to CCRM.

Sunday was a hard day.  You know how it is, you have to go into major planning mode to think about how the cycle will fit into your life for the following month.  I know I can't worry about work.  Starting a family has to be my priority from now on. 

I'm better today.  I had a good night of sleep and a nap today.  I guess my body isn't ready.  I hope everthing works out for a Feb ER. 

Thanks again to everyone for your encouragement. I don't post often because I will not post on my work computer , but I read all your comments and follow your posts. I'm hoping for all good things for all of us still in the trenches and all the new mommies.