Monday, May 7, 2012


Wow -I was a mess the other day.  I'm so surprised blogger didn't make me take down my last post because of the profanity.  Thank you for reading and not thinking any less of me.  I am way more emotional this time around.

This miscarriage is different.  I didn't really spot last time and I am this time.  I feel foggy during the day, my stomach isn't right, headaches and fatigue at night.  I'm hoping these are good things and my body is working hard to get rid of the HCG.  I go in this week to make sure we got everything and I'm going to ask for a standing order to check my beta. 

I found out CCRM is now offering frozen donor eggs.  I am not at all interested in a fresh cycle so I am happy to have another option.  Now I just need to stop having miscarriages and take care of my ute so we can use this option.   


Friday, May 4, 2012

The Classic IF Stuck Moment

We've all see it before the classic IF moment...

I wake up and think about how relatively good I feel considering...  I pick up my Iphone and read an email from a Resolve graduate.  She was sweetly checking in and wanted me to know that her 5 month old twins are doing great.

I pause and think - 5 months + 9 months - WHAT THE FUCK. 
Where has the time gone?

Oh my God, I have to wait another 5 more months before we even get to ER
Why did I move forward with that IUI

I'm so fucking stupid

WHY WHY WHY do I keep making mistakes

I'm so tired of feeling left behind.  I am the last one in my Resolve group - I've gone through so many cycles of women.

I really dislike this person I've become.  I can't wait until all the pregnancy hormones are out of me - maybe I'll like that person a little better. 

Oh but wait, I don't get to be that person for very long because I get to go back on the juice.

I'm so thankful that my husband is appearing to be our rock, because I've lost it!  

I'm so glad I have blogger.  I really needed to vent and my peeps around me are so sick of hearing it!!!