Support

I talked to one of my best friends last night.  I'm so thankful for her because she is the one friend who understands me best when it comes to the small intricate details of my life.  We are both the oldest of three siblings in our family.  Our life has been anything but perfect, and we can be open and honest with each other about anything.  When we are on the phone she doesn't try to change the subject when I talk about IF or get a glazed look on her face.  She is a strong Christian and my faith meter is on empty right now so I need her prayers!   

I also now have the women I've met at Resolve meetings.  If your not already attending local support group meetings, I recommend going.  You meet women who you can talk to about your journey and they understand IF, plus you come away with great resources and usually a new perspective on your journey.  I've met two women who I now see outside the group.  They are both newly pregnant - I'm not sure how our friendship will develop as their bellies grow, but as of now I'm glad I have their support. 
    

I surged!

I surged right on time, so on the 28th I will begin taking Estrace (2) mg tablets at bedtime.  Dr. S prescribed the estrogen to prevent me from developing a dominant follicle.  My last protocol we used vivelle patches and estrogen tablets and I did not develop a dominant so I am hoping this process is even better.   

I really recommend buying the smiley face digital ovulation predictor pee sticks.  They are expensive at $49.00, but you get 20 individually wrapped sticks.  If we are so lucky, I can use the remaining sticks during my next cycle. 

I started out with the ovulation predictor kit that has you look for two lines and then I got scared that I would mess up the lines.  A few days before I surge I get two lines.  You have to wait until the test line is as dark or darker than the baseline.  I just do not want to make a single mistake. 

   

My Drugs Arrived

I'm so glad my drugs arrived on Friday.  It took a little waiting and patience, but they are here with little stress.  My Centrotide will arrive on Tuesday and we will pick up Lupron in CO. 

I feel so good right now.  I want to continue feeling this good.  I'm so scared this feeling of normalcy is going to go away if we fail this cycle.  I'm thinking I need to work on our next steps now and have everything in place to move forward with DE so that I can keep this feeling.

I'm going to make the call this week to get the Attain paperwork to fill out.  I want to see if we qualify for a price break on multiple DE cycles.  I don't have a history of lining issues so I'm hoping we will qualify.  I'm not 100% sure where we would cycle?  local or CCRM?           

Trying to get my drugs

I'm less stressed over getting my drugs this time. 

Drugs were to arrive this past Tuesday - didn't happen because they are now dispensing the drugs locally instead of through a specialty pharmacy

Drugs were to arrive today - didn't happen because Follistim and Centrotide are difficult to get. 

Drugs will arrive tomorrow - who knows what I will get?  I'm going to wait to call my nurse after I see what I've received and order the drugs that didn't come with another pharm. 

My last IVF cycles were more stressful because I was traveling for work and often I wouldn't get the drugs until the day before I left for business.  I was shooting up in Starbucks between meetings.  I went through a lot of ganirelex- under pressure it spews.  You must slowly remove the lid. 

My drugs for this IVF cycle:
Estrogen Priming:
I'm taking Estrogen

Stimming Phase:
AM
2 AMPs of Menopur - shot

PM
300 Follistim u - shot
100mg Clomid - tablets
Saizen - shot
Dexamethasone - tablet

Follicle release control:
Centrotide

Double trigger with Ovidril and Lupron 

One question, for those of you who stop by.  Did you continue to take supplements throughout your cycle?  If so, which ones?

Where I'm at

Its weird, I really haven't been sad since Christmas Eve.  I had one moment of sadness driving home from my co-workers baby shower.  Why?  Is it because I've been unmedicated?  Have I mourned the child I may never have?  Is it the acupuncture?  I wish I knew because I hate being sad.  I hate the kind of sadness that sits in your throat and in your belly.

I wonder too, if I'm not beginning to feel a little optimistic?  Maybe I'm climbing up the roller coaster, only this time at a slower pace because of past disappointments.   If it is because of the ride, I hope we plateau, I hate the ride down.  I guess only time will tell?

Thank you to all those who stop by and read my thoughts.  I've never been the best writer, but I think blogging has been helpful. 

Wow what a week!

This week was a little crazy and I am so glad it is almost the end of the day!  It was a good week in the end.  I was so nervous about my job and getting clearance to go to CCRM.  I decided to request the time off now instead of waiting and letting her know last minute and not telling her how long I would be out.  She didn't say no!   

It's so hard to request time off for fertility related events - you don't know exactly when you are leaving or how long you will need to stay.  I have insurance that allows me to have these procedures so it shouldn't be a big deal, but it is a little. 

I'm Day 2 of my cycle and I've started the Dox.  I can't believe after all this time we are starting the process.  I will be on Dox for the next 10 days.  On Day 8,  I will begin looking for my surge on pee sticks and once I detect it I will begin the estrace. 

CCRM has been great so far.  My nurse called in my drugs and they will be arriving on Tuesday.  I did not have to call my nurse to remind her to call in my drugs!  Previously, I had to fight between my insurance co- my nurse - and the pharmacy to get my drugs ordered and delivered.  I had an HMO.  It would take me up to two weeks of constant contact to make it happen.  It was a mess!  So far, I'm liking the PPO - I will keep you posted.  I will say there is not a day that goes by that I don't appreciate how lucky I am to have fertility insurance.  We will pay around $400 for all our drugs.  It's not fair for you ladies who don't have insurance to pay for more.    

the ramblings of a stressed person

I am supposed to be free of stress, and for a long time my job was one thing I could count on to bring me an identity outside of being infertile and it was stress free.  I loved everything about it and considered myself to be lucky!

For the last year, my job has brought me nothing but stress.  I eliminated the travel and that made it less stressful, but then my direct report began exhibiting some very unprofessional behavior that I could not tolerate and it shows.  I distanced myself from her and that strained our relationship.  Now she is very unpleasant to me.    

We have new leaders and I'm not sure how they feel about women trying to start a family and taking off work to run across the US for fertility treatments and that is what is making me feel very insecure.  I'm not sure if I should say something about my upcoming treatment or keep it to myself.  I have a ridiculous amount of sick days and vacation so I just shouldn't worry.  I am a worrier... 

The weekend

I went to a work baby shower - and I will not do that again.  No more personal or work baby showers.  I thought this might be different than a personal baby shower and it was worse.  My colleague often talked about how she never wanted children.  I'm happy for her, the situation just reminds me of my long unsuccessful journey.  I've been in such a good place lately and the baby shower put me in a bad place.  I'm so sick and tired of being sad.  The only tears I want to cry are tears of happiness over a healthy pregnancy.

I went to dinner with family and friends and it was so nice.  Everyone knows my situation.  Everyone expected me not to drink and asked questions about CO.  It was just so nice!

I enrolled in a 6 week yoga program.  It will end just as I am gearing up to leave for CO.  There are six women in the class.  Everyone comes from a different place.  There is one woman who is the same age as me and the same egg numbers.  She just recently had her eggs genetically tested and all were abnormal.  I feel like I'm prepared for my results.  I know I have less than a 50% chance - you just never know? 

 

Protocol 5

I received my calendar and I will be cycling in February.  Dr. S ordered me to follow protocol 5 - Midluteal/Estrace/Clomid/Antagonist

We asked for a phone chat and he went over the protocol and described how he felt each of the drugs would address my issues - dominant follicle/s at the beginning of each cycle, egg quantity and the maturity of the eggs.  I'm going to be on a lot of drugs.  I am a little nervous about Clomid.  Clomid is the only drug that really affects me and maybe that's a good thing?  From here on out I just need to give into the ride and be happy that I have an opportunity to go to CCRM.

I attended a Resolve meeting last night and one of the members isn't able to cycle with her husbands sperm.  I was reminded of just how lucky I am that I get to cycle.  She would love to be in my shoes cycling with her husband.   I look at my numbers and my past response and I get down and depressed, but not everyone gets to try IVF or go to CCRM because of the cost, egg quantity, or their husband may not be open to advanced fertility treatment.